Today, as I look at my sweet girl who made me a mom, I think about the journey to get here.
Jeremy and I found each other later in life than most people find their partners. So, once we got married, we knew if we wanted a chance to have kids we would need to try immediately. I think we both silently thought it wouldn’t be an easy endeavor. But low and behold, we got pregnant pretty quickly. A couple of weeks ago, we celebrated the day we found out we were pregnant by eating at the same place we went, Old Town Pizza:
Because we got pregnant so easily, I was so afraid of something bad happening. I passed the “safe” time of 16 weeks, and everything was still going well besides my awful morning sickness. At our 20 week ultrasound Olivia was measuring small, but no one was very alarmed. But they did want to do another one in two months. All of my OB visits had gone fine, without a hint of an issue. And then on the fateful day of September 18th, my worst nightmare came true. I won’t rehash the details, those you can find on another blog, but thinking that what I had feared had come true breaks my heart still to this day. And I think it always will.
Because of how Olivia entered our world, my feeling of being a mother has been a complicated one. I didn’t get to hold Liv until she was almost two weeks old. The moments right after birth where you get to bond and have that connection with your child, I did not get. What happened is I became numb to the situation and went into hyperfocus mode of providing for Olivia any way I could. I went back to work fairly quickly. I told myself and others it was because I wanted to save my time, but I know good part of it was to be a distraction of what was really going on. Looking back, was it the right decision? I don’t know.
Bringing Olivia home was a sigh of relief, but also a bit of an adjustment. I went from other people caring for her, to all of a sudden we were in charge of everything. It came along with frustrations and thoughts of, “What did I do,” “I don’t think I should be a mom.” But at the same time, battling opposing thoughts of, “They are going to come and take her back,” and “I can’t lose her.”
Even though the adjustment has not been the easiest, it has of course had the most special moments. Watching Olivia grow stronger every day at home, seeing her hitting milestones, making us laugh when she does seven raspberries in a row, making our hearts melt when she smiles or falls asleep on us. And seeing how she brightens anyone’s day she comes into contact with.
Each day gets better for me. I feel like I am really starting to get into my “Mom Groove.” When I look at Olivia I still cannot believe that we made that sweet girl. She is our whole world.
Being celebrated on this day feels weird. Not sure if others have felt that way on their first. But for most of my life, this day was a day to celebrate my mom, which I still do of course. Nonna is the best around. But it is weird to be a part of this day now myself. Maybe by next year it won’t feel as foreign 😉
With all of this being said, I am so thankful to be able to celebrate today with Olivia. There was a chance that one or both of us would not make it. We are fighters and in the words from the will.i.am song, “I got it from my mama.”
I am looking forward to seeing how the next chapters of my motherhood journey unfold, what I will learn, how I will grow, and even more, getting to see Liv grow into the amazing woman I already know she will be.
Like always, but it can never be said enough, thank you all for the love and support you have given us over these last seven months. We couldn’t have survived without you.
And Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mama’s out there. Many of you have taught me so much ❤ And a special shout out to my mom, sister, mother-in-law, and sister-in law!
Until next time…
The One... 