Here is the TLDR version: I was diagnosed with preeclampsia, was admitted to the hospital at 25 weeks, had Olivia four days later and she is now a micro preemie in the NICU.

I was having an otherwise normal pregnancy. Excited for the next chapter in our story to grow our little family. But on September 18th, that all changed. The day before I had felt lightheaded all day and had a headache that never went away. I woke up on the 18th still feeling the same. I reached out to my OB and she instructed me to go to Labor and Delivery. I was surprised because I thought she would just ask me to come to her office to get checked out. I thought, well, better to be safe than sorry.

I got checked in and they immediately found that I had a lot of protein in my urine and my blood pressure was through the roof. They diagnosed me with severe preeclampsia, which shocked me. I have always had great blood pressure and I had just seen my OB three weeks ago, and everything was fine. They admitted me to the hospital and everything went into hyper-mode. I was being given medication to get my blood pressure to come down, I was given magnesium to protect my brain and the baby in case I had seizure. And I was given a steroid shot to help Olivia’s lungs develop a little more in case she had to come early.

My OB came in and let me know they were going to transfer me to a different hospital because their NICU was better for 25 weekers. I was soon in an ambulance heading to what would be my home for the next 11 days.

Our goal was to have Olivia bake for as long as we could. But on 9/22, my health was getting worse and Olivia’s stats at the time were dipping. She was stable, but I made the call that it was time because I would rather her come into the world when she was stable rather than an emergency. So, I got prepped for surgery. Everything about this was scary. Prior to this I had never been in the hospital for myself. What was great about the surgery was I was able to have two people in there with me. This allowed for my husband, Jeremy, to stay with Olivia and my mom to stay with me. Having a C-section is a surreal experience. Being awake the entire time and then not being able to feel your body from the chest down was a weird feeling. Before I knew it, the doctor was singing “Happy Birthday” while he took Olivia out. All I cared about was if she was breathing, which she was, but I didn’t get a chance to see her before they whisked her away. This is not what my plan was. None of this was.

I got a chance to see her briefly after being in recovery. It was so hard seeing her connected to wires and machines. And also not being able to touch her. She was so tiny. Almost 1 pound 4oz and 10 inches. Seeing her like this, the guilt came creeping in. What could I have done differently? It was my fault she was here. Why is this happening to us? Even though every nurse, family, and friend would tell me differently, it’s hard to get those feelings and thoughts to go away. I felt so helpless. There is nothing I can do to make her better.

For the next week, I stayed in the hospital while the doctors worked to figure out the best concoction to stabilize my blood pressure. While being at the hospital was not my favorite, it was so nice to be so close to Olivia, where we could get to her in less than five minutes any time we wanted. So when it came time for me to go home on 9/28, it was bittersweet. I was thrilled to go home and take a shower without a glove and sleep in my own bed. But leaving Olivia was the hardest part. We do not live near the hospital. At times it can take almost an hour to get there from our home. Which means realistically we will only be able to go see her once a day.

They tell you when you have a baby in the NICU, that your time there is going to be roller coaster. You will take one step forward and then two steps back. But even with this knowledge it doesn’t make it any easier. Worrying about every lab result, every xray, did she gain or lose weight, is she able to poop, what her oxygen and CO2 levels are at. I could go on and on. I have really just learned to survive in a constant state of fear. Which I know every mom feels to some level, even if their child is not in the NICU, but I think it is heightened for preemie parents.

My sister and mom have been sending out updates about me and Olivia to all of our support peeps. There are many of you out there who have been praying for us and sending us good vibes from afar. We are so appreciative of each of you and we have felt the love. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, we need all that we can get.

I am not trying to push this on anyone, but people have been texting asking if there is anything they can do, to let them know. I have amazing friends who have set up some ways to help us right now. One way is to provide dinner for us. We have a million things to worry about, as I said, but having dinner covered helps take one thing off our plate. The other is contributing to a gas fund. Like I said earlier, we are not close to the hospital, so going there everyday eats up a lot of gas. Do not feel obligated to donate. We are so appreciative of the prayers and the messages we have received. They help encourage us and keep us going. If you would like to donate, you can check out this site: https://mealtrain.com/m4q6z9.

I am going to use this blog to provide updates on how Olivia and I are doing, so you should soon see the regular updates from my sister and mom begin to fall off, unless something drastic happens and I am not able to update the blog.

Update on me: I am doing well. I am really healing well from the c-section, which is a real blessing and one less thing to worry about. I am still on blood pressure medication but they did lower it this week.

Update on Olivia: She is stable. She is on a ventilator and a jet ventilator to help her little lungs. She is taking her feedings well. She is gaining weight, pooping like a champ, and is so feisty, sometimes too much for her own good. She loves to use her hands, so she is tapping into her Italian side already 🙂 And yesterday she found her mouth and was sucking her finger. It was so cute.

OK, I think that’s it for now. Until next time…